Learning or Damaged?

I have a standing disagreement with my brother-in-law. He says we're all damaged goods. I disagree with caveats. I think our cycle of life starts out with us not really knowing ourselves well enough yet - that's what youth is all about, right - to know who we want to share our lives with or even how we want to spend our lives. As we have relationships, we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, who we are and what we want. Now I can agree with my brother-in-law when we have those relationships and don't take the time to learn from them, to understand what worked, what didn't work and the whys. We can only do that if we accept responsibility for our actions in those relationships. So if we can't accept responsibly for ourselves and we don't discover what we learned, yes, we might be damaged good.

If instead, we consciously discover who we were being in that relationship, realizing what is important to us and for us as individuals and then consider those qualities in who we decide to have a relationship with in the future, we have indeed grown ourselves...not damaged.

I think this is a life long learning. We shouldn't stop learning. We continue taking off more layers of our onion selves. Then we know what we want and are unwilling to settle for anyone less in our lives.

Expectations

We are so good at placing expectations on others, consciously or unconsciously, and then be upset with the other person for not meeting those expectations we set! We neglect to consider that the expectations were our own and we didn't bother letting the other person know that they now had a responsibility to meet these hidden expectations! And that we have now judged them because they didn't do what they were expected to do!

We can develop these detailed scenarios of "this will happen, then he'll do this, I'll do that, this is how it will be, everything is lovely, yada yada yada" then feel so disappointed when it doesn't happen the way we "expected" it to!

Who are we to place any expectations on anyone? How much simpler life would be if we could just be honest in each moment and remain curious and hopeful concerning the next moment. How much fun would it be to be looking forward to what will happen next, with no expectations and just "be" with it! That's what I'm striving for on this path of life.

Such an opportunity for growth is given to us when we can realize we've set ourselves up for disappointment, to realize we did have expectations of another person's actions and to stop and consider why.

Just another opportunity to grow!

Right Place at the Right Time

It so amazes me to watch as life, God, The All Knowing, provides us opportunities to learn and grow. Despite knowing that these opportunities are presented to us only when we are ready (although we may not realize we're ready!), it seems like a miracle. In fact, now that I think about it, perhaps each one actually is a miracle made even more so when we comprehend that we have been presented a choice, a path shift from who we have been being.

I think these little miracles happen every day. A simple example would be the day I was driving home from the mountains. On this two lane road, the car ahead of me was going under the speed limit. I had a choice of how to act/react. I could make myself be angry at the rudeness of this complete stranger - obviously he was making my life miserable on purpose! or I could sit back in my seat and relax in the knowing that I was right where God wanted me to be. Well the car turned off soon thereafter and since I'd chosen to accept that all was well with the world, I didn't floor it to make up for lost time. I simple continued my meandering down the mountain. All of a sudden, a rock from the cliffs on the side of the road came hurling through the air right towards my windshield. I watched it go by the right side, just missing me. I then had to smile and thank God for giving me the clarity of soul to know I was right where He wanted me to be, that I had had a choice as to how to act towards what had been presented to me.

Interesting to watch ourselves to see how we react to these opportunities with which we are presented.

Windows to the Soul

I attended a "Celebrate Your Life" conference recently and although there were many powerful workshops, one in particular was extremely moving for me. In the workshop, consisting of about 50 people, we were asked to silently walk around and look into the eyes of our fellow attendees. No touching, no speaking, just moving around and looking into each others eyes. It wasn't more than 2 minutes before most everyone had tears running down their faces - me included.

The lesson? Although we are around people most of the time, seldom do we stop and really see that person. We consciously or unconsciously avoid seeing them with any depth. For me, I discovered that I usually avoid looking people in the eye, instead focusing on their mouths. It's like I'm trying to avoid being seen and avoid really "seeing" beyond the surface of others. I guess it's that natural human tendency to maintain a level of superficiality, not letting others below the surface into our real selves. Maybe it's being afraid of what others will see in us, that we won't measure up.

What would we be so fearful of? What are we hiding from? We know social etiquette dictates we always look the other person in the eye but how long do we really hold that connection and what is the depth behind our gaze? Often times, I think, we deploy the etiquette by using the other's eyes as just a focus point. There's a new level of connection possibility though when we actually look through the others eyes into their souls.

I'm learning now to look, with deep intention, into the eyes of the person I'm communicating with. Not superficially but with real purpose. I feel a new level of intimacy, a real sense of "seeing" that other person for the first time in my life. I also notice when I avoid looking into someone's eyes and have the opportunity to ask myself what I'm avoiding, what I'm afraid of.

Another powerful lesson of life and growing.

Curious Mind?

Someone told me recently that I had a very curious mind. I was surprised by that statement. I was surprised because I couldn't imagine not being curious, not asking questions to learn more about those we know or want to know better. To better understand those around us, how else do we learn more? I would not like to be considered incurious! If someone isn't curious about me, it seem to me that they don't want to know me.

I think being told I have a curious mind is a compliment. But that's just my opinion.

Conscious Living versus Ego Driven

I just returned from a vacation in a small country in the Himalayas called the Kingdom of Bhutan. In this country, drivers pull over to the side of the road to let other drivers go by. On the back of trucks, in big letters, the words "Blow Horn" are printed just in case the driver doesn't see you so he can quickly pull over for you to pass. I asked our driver if he had ever heard of or felt "road rage". He hadn't. He couldn't even grasp the concept. In the Bhutanese view, if someone is behind you, he must be going faster, be in more of a hurry, so why wouldn't you want to pull over and let that person around you. They appear to not be driven by their egos as so many of us so obviously are.

What do you do, what do you gain and how do you benefit from your subsequent action? What drives you? How are you choosing to be with those strangers around you?

The challenge would be to perhaps choose differently the next time you are presented with such an opportunity to learn and grow.

Choice

We all have a choice as to how we are being. We have no one else to blame. How we react to the actions of another is a choice. We can choose to be angry or sad, happy or joyful. It's our choice. I so feel for those people who try to make others responsible for their own actions or should I say reaction. When I hear someone say how angry another person made them, I feel that person looking for someone else to blame for their emotions. They refuse to be accountable for themselves.

Imagine a world in which we each took responsibility for our actions and reactions. Before we respond to someone out of hurt or anger, we stop.......and feel.....what we are really feeling and ask ourselves why we would let someone else rule our feelings!

We all have a choice.

Imagination

I'm always amazed at how often we let our imaginations determine how we are going to "be" with others. Instead of communicating, we assume we know what the other is feeling and react accordingly. How much simpler life would be if we could live without fear and speak aloud our imaginative thoughts for validation of what we are imagining! Think of how many disagreements would be avoided if we simply said "I imagine you're upset with me because you haven't spoken in the last 30 minutes," instead of assuming the other person is upset and getting upset ourselves because we think the other is upset! How complicated we make our relationships! Imagine the response to the question above. "No, I'm not upset. I thought you were trying to sleep, catch a catnap so I was trying to be quiet and let you rest." Instead of stewing, being upset, reacting, how wonderfully freeing it would be if we could all use less imagination when it comes to others feelings and step right out of our fears and actually communicate!